…to take the Hypocritic Oath
With photography, as with television, and indeed the entire nation, entering a 21st century state of “Innovation”, “Great Imaginativization”(sic) and an unprecedented “Age of Creativity”,(well 16 years into the century isn’t too late) I have decided that if you can’t beat them, you join ’em, and “progress forward” to what I should have done 40 years ago…the first day after buying my first camera in fact:
call myself not a working photographer,
not even a professional
…but an “Artist”.
This example of my work “images the beauty and everlasting memories of life, and the creativity of being, with a subtle existentialism which manifests itself not with me consuming the coffee, but frees the mind and elevates the soul as the coffee consumes me”.
My artistic statement of course will be refined further as arrogance slowly obliterates all my accumulated skills, and I nauseatingly embrace and strive for the highest of artistic planes…complete ignorance.
At least keen eyed aficionados will notice my subjects are totally unadorned by clothing, nor even a swathe of flowing material of any sort, wet, windswept or otherwise, so without doubt this pic and the other 7,392 “captures” from the 10 hour (I’ll get them right in Photoshop) “shoot” will be “great for their folios”.
And now that my first attempt, and undoubted pinnacle of artistic integrity has been put before the most discerning of audiences on facebook, I eagerly await the sycophantic admiration and almost erudite ravings of my loyal “likers”, and harried and visually fatigued “followers”…
… “Awesome capture”
…”you should turn professional”
… you must have a really good camera
Credit and permission to use this image for folio and self promotion purposes only, is begrudgingly given to the makeup girl, stylist, client, camera assistant, various other assistants, and assistants to the assistants, mothers, boyfriends, minders, wardrobe and other mistresses, sandwich truck driver, the boy who made the coffee (collectively known in the professional photography world as catering ) honorary holder of the reflector, the bloke who forever regales anyone who will listen with claims he is not a lawyer,nor does he play one on TV, but knows so much about model releases he wrote his own because no one ever considers the model’s rights, the guests, all other assorted and misguided hangers on, and the rest of my fellow creatives” who attended the “shoot”, whether invited or not.
Everyone else, if indeed there is anyone else, is free to share, make money from, and claim this work as their own, under some Creative Common Copyright Agreement which states that anything on the internet is free to be stolen and exploited, and International Laws which require that artists must not only work for free, but must relinquish all their rights to people who have real jobs, (such as politicians, venture capitalists and slush fund managers) and live penniless in a garret while “suffering for their art”.
And it’s not like I need the money, because I’ll have my social security allowances to pay the “submission fees” to all the online vanity magazines which guarantee to “publish” my “art”, which also guarantee a worldwide audience consisting mainly of myself, my model, and my model’s mother. I have already picked out my park bench, and put aside some old newspapers for when I may crave further “exposure”.
So now that I am “only an amateur” I can not only indulge my passion, I can advertise on my lavish website that I charge less than the exorbitant fees that those extortionist professionals do.
I can also undercut all of my “creative colleagues” in my area, photographing only the subject matter I love such as :
-infinite numbers of clones of the Demi Moore pregnancy photo from the 1990’s.
-morbidly obese girls deluding themselves to be plus+size models, almost squeezing into fetish costumes
-equally deluded tattooed and expressionless girls playing model dress ups, standing gawkily in front of graffiti-ed walls, dressed as zombies or vampires with their choice of either troweled on slime and shine makeup, or sugar skull “art”
-obviously unhappy and mismatched “couples” standing and glaring under the regionally recognised posing tree
-and el cheapo weddings for “friends” who refuse to spring for a “real photographer”
But my real passion, which i shall specialise in, is “glamour makeovers”, and I can spatula on the pyramid sales company makeup, and false mail order nails myself, while making a wonderfully lucrative “business” for myself hosting pyramid parties on the side.
Which reminds me, I no longer have to pay for that silly liability insurance, or business registration, taxes and those other useless overheads.
I can also convert my lounge room into “my studio” when it isn’t being used by the family, and sell off all my lighting equipment, because I find my cameras inbuilt flash is really great for “expressing my unique vision”. I realise I look “mega cool” with all my “professional” cameras and a case full of expensive “glass”; but i find now that I am doing most of my “serious work” with my smartphone.
I am really looking forward also to joining several of many of the secret facebook hate groups, for now instead of being the target of slander and innuendo, I will be welcomed solely on my ability to vilify anyone who is better than I am, or those for whom technique and integrity are a natural part of their work ethics.
It goes without saying that I will also develop a secret group of my own, grooming a harem of models for their own protection of course, warning them that any photographer who isn’t in my clique at the present moment is actually a dirty old pervert hiding behind a camera with intent to desecrate and exploit any naive girls’ virtue.
But I suppose what I relish most is my new found freedom to anonymously email abuse and insinuations to the “vile” writers of “twisted, out of touch and unprofessional” blogs such as this one.
Right now though I must go and do some “awesomely amazing”light painting “captures”, before burning down historical landmarks becomes a cliche in itself.
Ahhhh! Such is the life and 15 seconds of fame of the modern “artiste de camer…ah”.
… and funny how psychiatrists and other worthy souls always seem to put a “BS” in front of the word “artist”.
Model: Winnie Pegg
Model: Dolly Dowell
MUA: Maxine “greasy girl” Amlon
Stylist: Jonnie C. Wan-Kerr
taken with a yphone,
927mm L series “creative distortion” lens, (an old kit 2nd hand kit lens off eBay I “innovatively repurposed” (painted white with a fancy red stripe),
1/teensy sec @ fstop,
at the “sweetspot” during “the golden hour”, using an autographed designer combination camera strap/posing pouch, and wearing an internationally award winning photo vest.
©Copyright: Stephen Bennett, MMXV
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