Tag Archives: professional

I ADMIT IT!…i AM UNPROFESSIONAL!

blog unprofressional

It seems that any legitimate photographer, model, and even make up artist, cannot do, say, or post anything online without being labelled as ‘unprofessional’.
In fact it rolls trippingly off so many tongues and so often, akin to the use of it’s linguistic cousins, un-Oshtray-yun, and unna-Merican, that if it did once have some actual meaning, it has now lost all confrontational power: lost all devastational effect from the mouths of simple minded bullies: lost any semblance of insult to the meaningless murk of degraded words inhabited by ‘bugger’, ‘bum’, or ‘you silly, naughty person’
No, come to think of it, legitimate or not doesn’t matter,  as ‘unprofessional’ is the first go to accusation that fauxpros, pretenders, and other fraudsters are willing to make in public, even to each other, before rushing to their secret facebook hate groups to defame and vilify anyone who dares to say anything other than fatuous, sycophantic praise, albeit completely innocuous, about their ‘work’, their ‘passion’, their ‘art’.
Well if being unprofessional is what it is to expose, criticize, ridicule, unmask and satirize  the nonsense,the stupidity, the buffoonery, the con, the fraud, the honey trap, the manipulation, the exploitation and the abuse which epitomises the fauxpro photography ‘industry’ as it is today, and the manner in which it has called all decent photographers and photography as a whole into disrepute and total disorder, well I intend to remain one very active and extremely happy ‘unprofessional’.
I am even planning to describe myself as ‘UNPERFESHNAL TOG’ on my next order of business cards.

And besides they are always good for a laugh: if not for just their arrogance in thinking that they can somehow insult or bully their ‘competition’ into thinking that they are superior, not just to you but to everyone.

A serious case in point. It is but a few months since an amateur model I know well, posted on her facebook page that she would no longer consider shooting with ‘photographers’ unless they at least had an idea or theme for their shoot, and were willing at some stage to organize a time and location to work towards.

This attempt to rid herself of the constant annoyance of time wasters, pick up merchants, pretenders and wankers who think they have a right to monopolize the time of any girl who appears the least bit attractive, let alone announce herself as a model, resulted, to her astonishment for this quite reasonable, but possibly naive request, she was immediately bombarded with postings, messages and emails decrying her as extremely unprofessional, amongst other things to lewd to mention, and the subject of vilification and defamatory statements in multiple ‘photography groups’.

Those personally shredding her included complete strangers, and those who she had never even heard of; but unfortunately many were people she had previously regarded as more than mere photographers, or acquaintances, but as friends. She now will only model for legitimate photographers whom she not only knows very well, but trusts implicitly.

And who would blame her?

The most insulting and laughable example recently was an email from someone who was once genuine photographer, but whose apparent inability to adapt to the rapidly changing markets, as well as limited originality has turned him into a hack, basically living on the almost forgotten glory of a bygone career, who accused me of being unprofessional, not a real ‘professional photographer’ anyway because my phone number isn’t in the yellow pages (???), and that I was trying to  ‘live(vicariously) in the reflection of his professional standing”.

Why? I had simply agreed with an opinion he offered on a photography forum somewhere.

He seemed to have forgotten, or was blissfully unaware, or indeed had chosen to ignore, that it had been me, while editing a now long defunct print magazine, who had negotiated one of his first published photo essays, when he was merely a nerdy young lad with a shiny new camera, and stars in his eyes.

But it is apparently not the only the province of fauxpro photographers to drop the ‘unprofessional’ bomb.

I recently received an email from a photo agent, who I had sacked (fired, dismissed, given the heave-ho) many years ago due to his megalomaniac tendencies (why is it that so many photo agents seem to harbour latent megalomania, or is it part of the job description from the beginning?)
Yes, although it may sometimes appear to the contrary, you actually employ an agent to work for you, and your best interests.

This email extolled the virtues of a job which being an Australian photographer, living in Australia, was ‘right up my alley’ – no need to tell that this agent was resident overseas, and probably doesn’t know the difference between Austria and Australia.

This opportunity of a lifetime required me to:

  • -be in Esperance, W.A., the next day: from Sydney, (nearest airport to where I live) it is merely a 3,418 km trip, one way, and at my own expense…
  • -meet an unnamed middle eastern gentleman and his entourage, who in the agent’s words, was a ‘very, very, important celebrity’, that he (the agent) could vouch for, (a suspicion raising utterance in itself) and therefore would be ‘great exposure for my burgeoning career’…in typical weasel speak he actually said: great exposure for developing my ‘brand’…
  • -hire a car (luxury model of course), again at my own expense, and chauffeur said gentleman wherever in W.A. he wanted to go…
    photographically record all this gentleman’s travels and whims…
  • -surrender immediately at the end of the week, any and all of an undetermined number of photographs documenting the entire week’s activities, completely processed and edited, to the said gentleman’s entourage, including all rights and copyrights…
  • -keep this gentleman’s identity, and the purpose of his visit, secret not only during the trip, but for ever after…

Well so far so (ridiculously) good, until I inquired as how I would recognise this person I was supposed to meet, and yes, you guessed it, what remuneration I was to receive.

  • Then the ‘unprofessional’ word!
    Delivered curtly, and emphatically!
    How dare I suggest that to go to Esperance was too far based on such little detail!
  • I lived in Australia didn’t I, it can’t possibly be that far or that difficult to get to!
  • How dare I call myself a Professional! (well actually I don’t, only amateurs and pretenders call themselves ‘Professional’ Photographers)
  • Obviously I wasn’t serious about developing my career! (after 40 years in the freelance business?)
  • And I certainly wasn’t worthy of having an agent, let alone one with such a distinguished record as himself… (well I don’t have an agent, I don’t want an ‘agent’, and I did tell him in no uncertain terms to pull his head in, and bugger off many years ago)

Oh, and the remuneration for a week’s work as photographer / chauffeur,  including signing away all my rights to any and all photographs taken: (not even considering the unredeemable costs of transport across a continent, and hire of a luxury car) …

$AU 162.

No, not an hour, not a day, …

IN TOTAL!

Well maybe it was a mistake to write about this after all…the ultimate unprofessionalism if you will, for I have a nagging feeling that in the distance I can just hear the rumble of thousands of ‘professional’ photographers’ feet, as they scramble to pack their gear, and clamour to board the plane which will fly them to this ‘awesome opportunity’ to not only gain some very welcome ‘exposure’, but which will also be ‘great for their folios’, and ‘develop their brands’.

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It’s Never Too Late…

…to take the Hypocritic Oath

arty pegs

With photography, as with television, and indeed the entire nation, entering a 21st century state of “Innovation”, “Great Imaginativization”(sic) and an unprecedented “Age of Creativity”,(well 16 years into the century isn’t too late) I have decided that if you can’t beat them, you join ’em, and “progress forward” to  what I should have done 40 years ago…the first day after buying my first camera in fact:

call myself not a working photographer,

not even a professional

…but an “Artist”.

This example of my work “images the beauty and everlasting memories of life, and the creativity of being, with a subtle existentialism which manifests itself not with me consuming the coffee, but frees the mind and elevates the soul as the coffee consumes me”.
My artistic statement of course will be refined further as arrogance slowly obliterates all my accumulated skills, and I nauseatingly embrace and strive for the highest of artistic planes…complete ignorance.
At least keen eyed aficionados will notice my subjects are totally unadorned by clothing, nor even a swathe of flowing material of any sort, wet,  windswept or otherwise, so without doubt this pic and the other 7,392 “captures” from the 10 hour (I’ll get them right in Photoshop) “shoot” will be “great for their folios”.

And now that my first attempt, and undoubted pinnacle of artistic integrity has been put before the most discerning of audiences on facebook, I eagerly await the sycophantic admiration and almost erudite ravings of my loyal “likers”, and harried and visually fatigued “followers”…
… “Awesome capture”
…”Amazing imaging”
…”you should turn professional”
… you must have a really good camera

Credit and permission to use this image for folio and self promotion purposes only, is begrudgingly given to the makeup girl, stylist, client, camera assistant, various other assistants, and assistants to the assistants, mothers, boyfriends, minders, wardrobe and other mistresses, sandwich truck driver, the boy who made the coffee (collectively known in the professional photography world as catering ) honorary holder of the reflector, the bloke who forever regales anyone who will listen with claims he is not a lawyer,nor does he play one on TV, but knows so much about model releases he wrote his own because no one ever considers the model’s rights, the guests,  all other assorted and misguided hangers on, and the rest of my fellow creatives” who attended the “shoot”, whether invited or not.

Everyone else, if indeed there is anyone else, is free to share, make money from, and claim this work as their own, under some Creative Common Copyright Agreement which states that anything on the internet is free to be stolen and exploited, and International Laws which require that artists must not only work for free, but must relinquish all their rights to people who have real  jobs, (such as politicians, venture capitalists and slush fund managers) and live penniless in a garret while “suffering for their art”.

And it’s not like I need the money, because I’ll have my social security allowances to pay the “submission fees” to all the online vanity magazines which guarantee to “publish” my “art”, which also guarantee a worldwide audience consisting mainly of myself, my model, and my model’s mother. I have already picked out my park bench, and put aside some old newspapers for when I may crave further “exposure”.

So now that I am “only an amateur” I can not only indulge my passion, I can advertise on my lavish website  that I charge less than the exorbitant fees that those extortionist professionals do.

I can also undercut all of my “creative colleagues” in my area, photographing only the subject matter I love such as :
-infinite numbers of clones of the Demi Moore pregnancy photo from the 1990’s.
-morbidly obese girls deluding themselves to be plus+size models, almost squeezing into fetish costumes
-equally deluded tattooed and expressionless girls playing model dress ups, standing gawkily in front of graffiti-ed walls, dressed as zombies or vampires with their choice of either troweled on slime and shine makeup, or sugar skull “art”
-obviously unhappy and mismatched “couples” standing and glaring under the regionally recognised posing tree
-and el cheapo weddings for “friends” who refuse to spring for a “real photographer”

But my real passion, which i shall specialise in, is “glamour makeovers”, and I can spatula on the pyramid sales company makeup, and false mail order nails myself, while making a wonderfully lucrative “business” for myself  hosting pyramid parties on the side.

Which reminds me, I no longer have to pay for that silly liability insurance, or business registration, taxes and those other useless overheads.

I can also convert my lounge room into “my studio” when it isn’t being used by the family, and sell off all my lighting equipment, because I find my cameras inbuilt flash is really great for “expressing my unique vision”. I realise I look “mega cool”  with all my “professional”  cameras and a case full of expensive “glass”; but i find now that I am doing most of my “serious work” with my smartphone.

I am really looking forward also to joining several of many of the secret facebook hate groups, for now instead of being the target of slander and innuendo, I will be welcomed solely on my ability to vilify anyone who is better than I am, or those for whom technique and integrity are a natural part of their work ethics.

It goes without saying that I will also develop a secret group of my own, grooming a harem of models for their own protection of course, warning them that any photographer who isn’t in my clique at the present moment is actually a dirty old pervert hiding behind a camera with intent to desecrate and exploit any naive girls’ virtue.

But I suppose what I relish most is my new found freedom to anonymously email abuse and insinuations to the “vile” writers of “twisted, out of touch and unprofessional” blogs such as this one.

Right now though I must go and do some “awesomely amazing”light painting “captures”, before burning down historical landmarks becomes a cliche in itself.

Ahhhh! Such is the life and 15 seconds of fame of the modern “artiste de camer…ah”.
… and funny how psychiatrists and other worthy souls always seem to put a “BS” in front of the word “artist”.

Picture Credits
Model: Winnie Pegg
Model: Dolly Dowell
MUA: Maxine “greasy girl” Amlon
Stylist: Jonnie C. Wan-Kerr

Specs
taken with a yphone,
927mm L series “creative distortion” lens, (an old kit 2nd hand kit lens off eBay I “innovatively repurposed” (painted white with a fancy red stripe),
1/teensy sec @ fstop,
at the “sweetspot” during “the golden hour”, using an autographed designer combination camera strap/posing pouch,  and wearing an internationally award winning photo vest.

 

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